NOTES ON ‘A LOVE REQUITED’

*Note - This post was originally written in April 2019

This album is an angry album


There’s every chance it’ll be my last album,

Other people have justified reason for their anger

Racism


Sexism


A lover’s betrayal,


My anger has no such valor


My anger is entirely self-directed.

This was a poem I wrote a few years ago as part of an initial attempt to incorporate a narrative element to this album. While I think there’s some value in it, looking at it now I can see how petty it is. Like I’m some hero for declaring this my last album and wallowing in self-pity. From the outside it seems more and more like self- flagellating vindictiveness trying to pass itself off as being profound, and in a lot of ways that’s exactly what I was in several aspects of my life. Perhaps one of the worst parts of depression is the impossible self-centered trap you can fall into that projects blame, envy and jealousy everywhere, and gives you every excuse to not take responsibility for your problems and the role you played in them, all the while thinking you’re somehow the most honorable person in the room.

However, in retrospect, that final line “My anger is entirely self-directed” offered a hint to the way out. While the author (me) at the time of writing that poem was still a miserable shit, there’s at least the awareness that if the anger is self- directed then the only way to work through it
is to look inwards. A Love Requited in large part is an effort to dig into and parse out some of the conflicts and divisions within, divert that dark energy into something that has some value to offer, and in the process of doing so start putting myself back together.

There has been a conscious effort in the writing of this album to retain an idea of a narrative throughout it, to give heartfelt intent to the pieces and make the concepts broader than just “here’s some good music played by good musicians”. I knew that I wanted to open the album with the dark aggressive energy that I feel was well captured in ‘Ritual’, and conclude with a sense of resolution in the slow, free floating cadenza found in the title track ‘A Love Requited’. I knew I wanted the narrative flow of the album to touch on themes of death and passing (‘Mortality’, ‘Itaru’s Phone Booth’), struggles with love, family and relationships (‘Madrid’, ‘Family Dynamics’), and my own ego and trying to confront it (‘Big Deal’, ‘Pencarrow’).

I also knew what I didn’t want in the narrative. Aside from ‘Resilience’, which was originally written as a response to the 2015 Paris attacks (and perhaps has new found relevance in the wake of the 2019 events in Christchurch) the album is very deliberately non-political. While I’m sure there’ll be future work from me that does engage with the spectre of politics, for this album I needed to keep the focus tight and stay in the field of self-reflection.

One question that comes to mind when trying to establish narrative and meaning to essentially instrumental music is “Why bother?” Well, I guess the process of putting this album together has helped me unpack things and gain some clarity on them. I also hope the process might be of benefit beyond myself. If my narrative of conflict-to-resolution can help others then that’s a good thing too. Not that I’m some guru or anything but it’s good to know that you’re not alone. I’ve derived great benefit from hearing artists, politicians, business leaders and friends being open about their struggles. I don’t expect that my contribution will be earth shatteringly profound in the scheme of things, but it might help someone along the way.

When I think about the idea of A Love Requited, I suppose in practical terms it could relate to my ultimately failed efforts to get a previous relationship back on track, or the inner conflicts I had around music and career, or my feelings of envy toward other people’s success and my own perceived shortcomings, or a general sense of guilt over how I’ve acted over the course of my life. Ultimately with this album I’m trying to walk towards these negative feelings in order to come to terms with them and turn them into positive ones. Acceptance. Feeling limitless rather than limited. Of feeling and giving love.

I recognize that in a sense this could be put into religious terms such as the state of “grace”, “enlightenment” or “transcendence”. While I’ve never adhered to a specific religion, I do recognize that there’s an attempt to get at a sense of spiritual transformation for lack of a better term. To be a better, more complete human than I was before.

I know plenty about unrequited love. The yearning for affection and acceptance, looking for it in all the wrong places. Relishing the pain of it. The addictive nature of love that you can’t quite have. However, “requited” love, that is there for you, recognizes you and accepts you
– let alone having you be in a place where you’re able to return it back in equal measure – that’s
a whole lot harder to come by. It takes courage and humility to recognize it. You have to be humble enough to get over your own shit and let it in. To this day I have plenty of shit I need to get over that’s blocked me from receiving
a resolved, requited love. Perhaps that’s the summary of this narrative that I’m trying to get at. The process of getting over my own shit.

A Love Requited... Maybe it’s resolution. Acceptance. Not being in conflict with the world. It’s recognition of each other’s strengths and weaknesses and coming to that with an attitude of openness. A Love Requited... is a love that’s within reach, not some mystical higher power. It’s a process. It’s a Southern Cross we can use to navigate toward our better selves.

If my anger was entirely self-directed, maybe love can be too.